if there's a way
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: It's Syusuke's birthday, and his brother challenges him to a match. Only, it brought out more than they wanted to deal with...(pairing: syusuke and yuuta)


IMPORTANT note: This is shounen ai between two brothers. You have been warned.  
  
disclaimer: yui doesn't own Prince of Tennis.  
  
Driven to the point of insanity,  
  
I look back to see   
  
You are no longer there.  
  
I don't know where you are anymore.  
  
I don't know where I am.  
  
I myself have faded away…  
  
If there's a way…  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
It was out of a whim, but after practice, I decided to visit my brother's school. As expected, I saw Yuuta in one of the courts. He seemed to be at his school practicing more and more.  
  
I just couldn't understand if he was doing it for himself or if he was avoiding me in some way.  
  
Somehow, I had a feeling it was for both reasons…  
  
In either case, I didn't appreciate it and I didn't like it either. I thought it would be absurd for him to avoid me unless he was really training so hard in secret that he didn't want me to know. But that day didn't come yet, did it?  
  
If it did, I hadn't seen it. It was still too far away, wasn't it?  
  
I could manipulate everything, but I couldn't stop time.  
  
And as awful as it seemed, my sense of control over every aspect of my life was becoming overwhelming. It was going overboard even though I was as calm as I could be, but if only people knew how fast and clear my thoughts were. They would be scared at what they saw if they could have only opened my mind.  
  
But my heart is something I never liked to share.  
  
I walked along the fence until I found a perfect view to watch Yuuta, but for him to ignore me altogether and continue his practice as always had. He was quiet as he could be, but I saw his sweat pouring down.  
  
He was mumbling quietly to himself, but I couldn't understand it at all. He might as well as have said it in another language for all I knew.  
  
The strain in his eyes became more and more serious as he hit the ball harder and harder. Then, he ran around looking for the balls as quickly as he could, as if he couldn't wait to pound on them all over again.  
  
I was proud of his love for tennis.  
  
I was even more proud of him as a player, even though he would never have believed me.  
  
Before I was going to come in with my jacket for him to wear, someone came next to me. It was Mizuki. I pretended that I didn't see him.  
  
He disgusted me.  
  
Using my brother years ago and almost breaking him in the process…  
  
I would NEVER forgive him!   
  
But as much as I tried to subtly tell Yuuta never to talk to the prick, he never seemed to listen to my words. I wondered when Yuuta stopped listening to me about things such as this. This was the start, wasn't it?  
  
I had to let go, didn't I?  
  
Mizuki smirked at me as he walked into the court and as he talked to Yuuta, he was eyeing me triumphantly. "I think you should stop because it looks like it's going to rain."  
  
"Is it?" Yuuta, like the little boy I had always known, looked up to the cloudy sky and smiled. "I didn't even notice it."  
  
"You didn't notice your visitor watching you either," Mizuki said to announce my arrival with an even prouder smile.   
  
I returned his smile just as seductively. I closed my eyes and stood where I was.   
  
"Brother, what are you doing here?" he blushed and tried to wipe his forehead with the end of his shirt.  
  
"I felt like picking you up. I didn't want you to be wandering by yourself," I chuckled to myself.  
  
He shook his head with an annoyed expression on his face. "I'm old enough to take care of myself!"  
  
He always took things the wrong way. I loved the way he reacted so beautifully to my teasing. Those expressions were priceless.  
  
"I know that." Then, I turned around with my back towards them to signal that I was waiting for him.  
  
But the truth was that I didn't know if I could keep up my smiling face at that particular moment.  
  
I know that you can take care of yourself, Yuuta…  
  
My heart began to collapse within itself and I slightly frowned.  
  
And soon, you won't need me anymore, won't you?  
  
As Yuuta waved goodbye to what's-his-name, he came over to me. Before setting off, I glanced at Mizuki and grinned as I always did. I gave him a look that said, "You fool, he'll always be mine."  
  
I silently walked beside him and he suddenly announced, "Let's go play some tennis."  
  
"You sure?" I eyed him with serious eyes. "You know I hate losing."  
  
"Think of it as your birthday gift, Brother."   
  
Oh…that's right…  
  
I had almost forgotten.  
  
My family told me already, but these types of things always passed by me because I didn't pay attention to them too much. While in the locker room, Tezuka was the one who cleared his throat and put his hand on my head to sternly tell me, "Happy Birthday".  
  
When he did things like that, I never knew where we stood.  
  
He didn't talk or pay attention to me, and then when I finally spited him off in my head for not caring a damn about me, he'd show me he did. Even if it was a small gesture, I appreciated it, but it drove me nuts at the same time.  
  
I only cared about my birthday when Yuuta gave me a present. (Well, way before Tezuka, I mean.) It told me that he still looked up to me.  
  
I would miss the day he would lose his affection towards me and forget me altogether.  
  
"You always know what to get me, don't you?" I said as I messed up his hair. Then, I put my hand on his cheek to rub the mark on his face.  
  
I looked at him for a moment, knowing full well that this was just wrong, but I brushed it off as if it were nothing. I turned away immediately and smiled.  
  
I wondered what he thought about me. I was sick, wasn't I?   
  
Touching him like that…  
  
When we got to the courts, we stood at opposite sides of the net and I wondered what was going through his mind to challenge me. I knew he wasn't bitter towards me, but by the way he served, I could tell he was upset.  
  
The strength of the serve was nothing compared to what he was telling me in our silence.  
  
How was it all these years?  
  
Even though I was next to you and I watched you grow, how did you handle all the rumors, Yuuta? Did it all contort inside of your heart?  
  
Is this why you've grown to hate me so much?  
  
But I can't say sorry. I didn't do anything, but be myself.  
  
Thwack, thwack…  
  
Those eyes were looking at me no longer as the brother he looked up to. I was the opponent he had to defeat. The devil that was making him unhappy with the words everyone told him.  
  
I knew what you were going through, but I couldn't do anything.  
  
I can't do anything about people and their words, Yuuta. Even I can't control that type of thing…  
  
It's times like these that remind me of how helpless I am outside of the courts. Outside of myself as the tennis tensai.  
  
How you see through me…  
  
You don't look at me like everyone else does, Yuuta.  
  
Then, to distort my thoughts, he shouted with all his frustrations, I saw some tears as he hit the green ball towards me. "I want to surpass you!"  
  
"Why? Why is that important?" I hit the ball back twice as hard.  
  
"So you won't leave me behind!!"   
  
Yuuta hit the ball so hard and it combined with my shock that I totally lost the ball. It hit my racket, but I dropped my racket. In the silence, it seemed like a bomb when it clattered to the ground.  
  
Was this your fear too, Yuuta?  
  
I picked up my racket, but the rain started to sprinkle between us. Yuuta stood on his side and I stood up straight while looking him in the eye.  
  
"What are you trying to say to me?" I said with my eyes not wavering or looking away in embarrassment. Whether it was my feelings shamelessly showing or my competitive nature answering him, I couldn't distinguish between the two.  
  
"That I…" Yuuta stared at me but his mouth wouldn't move anymore. The words wouldn't come out…  
  
…but I wanted to hear them.  
  
In an ideal world, I wanted him to say he'd never leave me. Whether it was as my brother, my opponent, but most of all, as the person he cared for.  
  
But we don't live in a world like that.  
  
I'm honestly jealous every time you turn away from me.  
  
I hate it when you watch other people because I was the one who got you here.  
  
Me…  
  
Only me…  
  
"That you what?" I told him as I walked up to the net.  
  
Then, I put on my smiling face again. I'll lie to you too, Yuuta…  
  
…it has come to that point, hasn't it?  
  
I can't let go of you, but I have to.  
  
I don't want you to say anything and as always, I'll save you. Even here as I break my own heart. I'll do it for you.  
  
"What? That you love me?" I began to laugh as if it were a joke. "You make this sound like a love confession."  
  
I want to cut my hand off…  
  
This is the curse of my tennis.  
  
I had to give up something…  
  
Rather, someone more important.  
  
I didn't know it would be you, Yuuta…  
  
"Is this for all the times that I've teased you about dates and stuff?" I said as I looked at him in the eye as the rain started to come down a bit harder. "I won't do that to you if it really makes you uncomfortable. You can tell me anything, remember?"  
  
Damn this world and its conventions!!  
  
Then, to kill all my words, I finally said, "I'm your brother after all."  
  
He began to look at me with a different kind of look and a slight smile came to his lips, but he wasn't good at hiding his emotions. Yuuta was honest.  
  
Not like me. Not like me at all.  
  
That's why I love you so much.  
  
You never look at me with eyes as if you want something from me. You're always thinking of me.  
  
Without a word, he turned around and took his things. While he was walking out, he said, "I wish I were someone else right now."  
  
"I don't," I said as I watched him carefully.  
  
Finally, he turned to me. "Then, this wouldn't be wrong, would it, Syusuke?"  
  
There were tears in his eyes and he nodded as he left without another word.  
  
The person I wanted most to protect, I hurt him the most, haven't I?  
  
This was my punishment for loving someone that I shouldn't have.  
  
It was my birthday today.   
  
No, actually, it is technically still my birthday even though I cannot distinguish the night or the exact time. All I know is that I am standing in the middle of the pouring rain.  
  
I am in the park waiting for someone who won't ever come back to me the way he used to…  
  
"This day has come faster than I ever thought. Why didn't you give me more time?"  
  
I didn't know if I was talking to Kamisama, Yuuta, or myself…  
  
I stood there for a while in the rain. I blinked my eyes at the darkness feeling as if the park were melting before me as I began to cry, but my smile didn't change.  
  
I'm most known for this sadistic smile that I show when I see people suffer, but I am a masochist, most of all. I loved seeing myself suffer so that I could make you happy in some way. To somehow hide my tears, my fears, and all my weaknesses, I created this smile.  
  
I only learned to smile this well, Yuuta, because that was the day I realized I shouldn't have fallen in love with you…  
  
I took up my things and slowly headed home.  
  
I didn't want to learn this lesson yet.  
  
I didn't want to let go.  
  
I hate losing…  
  
I whispered to myself,  
  
"If there is a way, I'll find it, Yuuta."  
  
The rain fell harder.  
  
"I have to find it…"  
  
owari.  
  
--  
  
author's note: I wanted to explore a Fuji and Yuuta fic where they confront one another, which is a rare thing for me to want. I usually like the quietly pining away types (maybe 'cause I am that way), but I really wanted to see this two go all out. ^^;;;  
  
Yes, it's very dramatic, but I was going more for a fic and a Fuji who was less perfect while a Yuuta who was closer to his brother as an opponent. 


End file.
